Fighter

10 05 2010

Hey everyone!

How is everyones Monday going?  Mine is going…looong and definitely dragging a ton.  I want to dedicate this post to all you fighters out there.  Not fighter in the negative fist fighting, gossiping way, but pushing through a tough life experience and coming out strong.  I was reading my sisters post today, and she mentioned this quote from the Fitnessesita’s blog “Change creates change”.

This quote really struck a chord in me because I am in the beginning stage of a HUGE change in my life right now.  My boyfriend of 8 months and I broke up this past saturday due to reasons I prefer to not share, but it has been really hard on me. I feel as though I lost my best friend.  I have been moping around, putting off studying for finals and just really not being the person that I am.

It is hard to move on (and granted this did just happen saturday) but at the same time every time I think about my amazing family

and all of my beautiful and supportive friends


I know I can get through anything.

There are so many more photos but I’m sure y’all get the idea….I’m surrounded by people who love me, and will support me through this change. This is a really difficult time for me because Chad was the first guy I’ve dated for 3 years.  My coach in California was a man that was never true to his word and played mind games with me and other girls on my team, and it really made me build up a wall and I wanted nothing in terms of really trusting men (outside of my father, grandfather, cousins, etc).  Then I met Chad and things were different with him and I was finally able to allow myself to completely let down my walls.  I fell in love, pretty hard but while I fell in love I started to try too hard to be “perfect” girlfriend rather than just being myself and during that I lost part of who i am, and who he fell in love with.  This is extremely difficult for me to write about, but I know I need this time in order to find myself again….I am finally making crazy out there goals again (like fitness modeling, going pro on the sand vb tour, getting a job with the global headquarters of Whole Foods in Austin etc.) and I’m enjoying it. I’ve always been one to think and do things outside the box…I remember I would get looked at funny during high school when I said I would move to CA and play for a top 25 team in Division 1 college volleyball, and I did just that, but things had gotten to the point where I would make some goals, but I wouldnt really put EVERYTHING i could into achieving it, and for me thats HUGE because its always been all or nothing for me. Now that I’m making these goals again and starting to achieve them, the hard part is not being able to share everything that is going on with him.  And this saturday he graduates college, and I won’t be there to spend that really special moment with him and his family, and just support him while he gets recognized for all of his hard work…and thats hard on me.

My problem is being patient with this recovery process…I found out this coming Saturday katie and I will be playing in our first sand volleyball qualifier (which is HUGE) and not being able to text him and share with him how excited we are about playing was a huge reality check for me.  I am not going to lie, I have been a bit of a wreck…crying randomly throughout the day because everything reminds me of him and the memories I have with him. This is hard, and I know i don’t really talk about my deep emotions on this blog but right now this is almost therapeutic to type it all out.

I am so unbelievable frustrated, and sad, and stressed and at the end of the day I just want to get back to where I can enjoy an entire day….not have half a day where people make me smile and laugh (and sometimes its just  front so I dont get treated any differently than normal) and then when I’m by myself I start to cry.  Again, I keep telling myself that its still new but who really wants to sit around moping all the time?

I apologize for this not being a upbeat post but I hope this gives y’all a little more perspective on my life.  I tend to come across as though nothing ever goes wrong, but I’m just like everyone else….nothing is perfect, and there will ALWAYS be trials and tribulations, but I am a firm believer that if you fight and you truly trust in the Lord to guide you in everything you do, it will be great.  I have been through a lot, and I will be able to get through this with time.

“God is our refuge and strength, and ever-present help in trouble.”- Psalm 46:1

One thing I did today, and it helped a ton was when  I started to get sad I remembered how my old roommate Caitlin would tell me to smile for 30 seconds regardless if I wanted to or not, and it truly does make you feel better.  I will be doing this more often till my permanent smile is back!

Thank you for taking the time to read this…sharing my story is difficult for me,and I find it easier to act like everything is perfect than to share reality so by writing this I am already taking a big step.

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15 responses

10 05 2010
Heather

i love you so much and you’re going to get through this. i’m so proud to call you my sister and best friend! stay strong, smile, and know you can call anytime you need it 🙂

another thing that helps me is doing something nice for someone else. Operation Beautiful notes are a good place to start!

10 05 2010
rebekah (clarity in creation.)

girl – you are amazing. your honesty is so refreshing… thank you!

and i think you have the right idea on Who is your support. on Christ the solid rock i stand!
-r

11 05 2010
Gabriela @ Une Vie Saine

Aw girl, I’m so sorry to hear about your breakup 😦 No matter how much you want to feel better and move on, it still sucks, I know…I’ll never forget how upset I was when my HS boyfriend broke up with me. It’s a feeling you just have to “ride like a wave,” in the words of one of my favorite HS teachers. You can’t fight it either way, so just roll with it and sooner than later you’ll feel like yourself again 🙂 You’re so brave for sharing this, hang in there girl!!

11 05 2010
Katherine: What About Summer?

Great pictures; you’re gorgeous. Love yourself and be patient with yourself. Sometimes we’re our own worst critics.

12 05 2010
Samantha Angela @ Bikini Birthday

Oh shit. Spring always seems to be break-up season. Most ex-couples I know broke up in the spring.
It sounds like you’re having a really tough time with the break-up. It’s hard to lose someone that was once so close to you… it becomes an emptiness in your life that you somehow have to learn to fill. I wish you the best in being able to fill the void that your ex has left you with. It looks like you have a good start by being surrounded by family & friends.

12 05 2010
I Just Haven’t Met You Yet « Heather's Dish

[…] As she mentioned in her most recent post on her blog, she recently went through a bad breakup with her boyfriend of 8 months.  When I talked to her on Saturday night after it happened, one of the things she was most upset about is that she’s 22 and not close to getting married yet.  I also have several friends who are not married yet and are not excited about that fact.  My sister has been playing collegiate volleyball for the past 4 years and has barely had time to breathe, let alone date.  The only one who put the expectation of being in a serious relationship was herself.  She’s been one of my biggest supporters in my weight loss battle, but I was thankful I could be a good friend and a good big sister when I reminded her that just like we can’t compare our bodies to other womens’ bodies, we can’t compare our relationships with other womens’ relationships. […]

12 05 2010
Claire @ College:Raw

Hang in there…I can totally sympathize with you. In the beginning it’s really rough and it takes time to come to terms with the whole thing. If it helps you, blog or journal about it. It’s so much easier to reflect back on what you’ve written and it helps sort things out in your head.

It looks like you have a wonderful support group. Surround yourself with your family and friends and they’ll be the ones to pull you through this tough time.

Chin up, girl! Smile!

12 05 2010
theprocessofhealing

Aw girl, my heart goes out to you!!! I had a bad breakup last summer and ended a relationship of 4 years. It’s almost as if a part of you dies with the relationship. But girl, this will only make you stronger! Things will get better and start to look up and before you know it, this will all be part of the past. And you’re going to learn SO much about life and yourself through this. As long as you lean on your family, friends, and most importantly, God, you’ll come out stronger than ever!

13 05 2010
Christie {Honoring Health}

I’m sorry to hear about your breakup and hope that you take whatever time you need to heal from it. Losing ourselves is so easy to do in relationships and when you find the right person, allowing yourself to blossom will just happen naturally. It looks like you have plenty of support around you, your amazing sister included. Hang in there, lady.

13 05 2010
eatspinlive

Aww girl, I am so sorry! It must be extremely difficult to go through especially during finals week. I know that this is a huge obstacle but I promise that God has a plan and will pull you through this girl 🙂 I’ll be praying for you!

13 05 2010
Kate

Salah, you are a beautiful, smart, and kind woman and I hope you know that God has something better on its way. I am going through the same thing right now, and the one thing that helps me most is asking God to work through me, instead of just in my own life. I am praying for you girl!! Keep smiling, it works. Plus you’re too gorgeous not to 🙂

13 05 2010
Sarena (The Non-Dairy Queen)

I am really sorry you are going through a tough time. I am happy that you have such a great support system and that you are heading in the right direction. Good luck with your new adventure in life! I hope you have a good day!

13 05 2010
Heather

((hugs)) so sorry about the breakup.
It’s so comforting that you have faith in God and that you know all things work to the greater good!
I know that doesn’t take away the pain, but it helps get through it fo’ sho’ 😉
It’s funny, because although, I’m not going through a breakup with someone else, I’m trying to breakup with some of my old ways.

Just before I read this post, I was tempted to react the way I normally would about a situation, but then I prayed,
“Lord, help me be chill about this. Help me be chill.”
Then I laughed, cuz that sounded like something funny to pray in a heartfelt prayer to the Maker of the universe.
Anyway, I hope you heal quickly and come out even stronger and wiser!! 🙂
Much love!

16 05 2010
Stef @ moretolifethanlettuce

aw sweetie, i am so sorry you’re having a rough time! breakups are hard, period. you will get through this though and i am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. allow yourself to be sad, allow yourself to cry when you need to, it’s all part of the process! ps you are GORGEOUS

17 05 2010
lisaou11

I lost myself in a relationship with a guy named Chad as well. Even though this is SO hard, it will teach you so much. Take all the time you need to cry and be with friends and family to get over this. You will take everything you learned from this relationship and use it for good in your next! 🙂 Hugs.

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