How is everyones Monday going? Mine is going…looong and definitely dragging a ton. I want to dedicate this post to all you fighters out there. Not fighter in the negative fist fighting, gossiping way, but pushing through a tough life experience and coming out strong. I was reading my sisters post today, and she mentioned this quote from the Fitnessesita’s blog “Change creates change”.
This quote really struck a chord in me because I am in the beginning stage of a HUGE change in my life right now. My boyfriend of 8 months and I broke up this past saturday due to reasons I prefer to not share, but it has been really hard on me. I feel as though I lost my best friend. I have been moping around, putting off studying for finals and just really not being the person that I am.
It is hard to move on (and granted this did just happen saturday) but at the same time every time I think about my amazing family
and all of my beautiful and supportive friends
I know I can get through anything.
There are so many more photos but I’m sure y’all get the idea….I’m surrounded by people who love me, and will support me through this change. This is a really difficult time for me because Chad was the first guy I’ve dated for 3 years. My coach in California was a man that was never true to his word and played mind games with me and other girls on my team, and it really made me build up a wall and I wanted nothing in terms of really trusting men (outside of my father, grandfather, cousins, etc). Then I met Chad and things were different with him and I was finally able to allow myself to completely let down my walls. I fell in love, pretty hard but while I fell in love I started to try too hard to be “perfect” girlfriend rather than just being myself and during that I lost part of who i am, and who he fell in love with. This is extremely difficult for me to write about, but I know I need this time in order to find myself again….I am finally making crazy out there goals again (like fitness modeling, going pro on the sand vb tour, getting a job with the global headquarters of Whole Foods in Austin etc.) and I’m enjoying it. I’ve always been one to think and do things outside the box…I remember I would get looked at funny during high school when I said I would move to CA and play for a top 25 team in Division 1 college volleyball, and I did just that, but things had gotten to the point where I would make some goals, but I wouldnt really put EVERYTHING i could into achieving it, and for me thats HUGE because its always been all or nothing for me. Now that I’m making these goals again and starting to achieve them, the hard part is not being able to share everything that is going on with him. And this saturday he graduates college, and I won’t be there to spend that really special moment with him and his family, and just support him while he gets recognized for all of his hard work…and thats hard on me.
My problem is being patient with this recovery process…I found out this coming Saturday katie and I will be playing in our first sand volleyball qualifier (which is HUGE) and not being able to text him and share with him how excited we are about playing was a huge reality check for me. I am not going to lie, I have been a bit of a wreck…crying randomly throughout the day because everything reminds me of him and the memories I have with him. This is hard, and I know i don’t really talk about my deep emotions on this blog but right now this is almost therapeutic to type it all out.
I am so unbelievable frustrated, and sad, and stressed and at the end of the day I just want to get back to where I can enjoy an entire day….not have half a day where people make me smile and laugh (and sometimes its just front so I dont get treated any differently than normal) and then when I’m by myself I start to cry. Again, I keep telling myself that its still new but who really wants to sit around moping all the time?
I apologize for this not being a upbeat post but I hope this gives y’all a little more perspective on my life. I tend to come across as though nothing ever goes wrong, but I’m just like everyone else….nothing is perfect, and there will ALWAYS be trials and tribulations, but I am a firm believer that if you fight and you truly trust in the Lord to guide you in everything you do, it will be great. I have been through a lot, and I will be able to get through this with time.
“God is our refuge and strength, and ever-present help in trouble.”- Psalm 46:1
One thing I did today, and it helped a ton was when I started to get sad I remembered how my old roommate Caitlin would tell me to smile for 30 seconds regardless if I wanted to or not, and it truly does make you feel better. I will be doing this more often till my permanent smile is back!
Thank you for taking the time to read this…sharing my story is difficult for me,and I find it easier to act like everything is perfect than to share reality so by writing this I am already taking a big step.